losing my mind

the past few weeks i have been sitting around my house not doing really much of anything. i have noticed that the littlest things are bothering me. i feel more stressed then i have ever been in my life. moneys tighter then its ever been. july 10th will be two years since my father passed away and its been hard for me. i wish i could go back to july 9th 2007. i wish i would of just listened to my mom rather then complaining until i got to leave the house and being out all night. i remember that night. i begged my mom to let me go hang out with adam and brandon. we went to a movie and then chucky cheese. i went into my mom and got dressed then walked into the living room. my dad was here in his bed sitting up watching tv and falling asleep. i kissed him and said i love you then told my mom that i would be back later. it was 11pm before i finally got home. while i was out, we saw jordan kayla mark and justice. jordan was still mad at me because of what happened the fourth between me and adam. i felt so bad and i just wanted jordan to talk to me. i didnt really care about anything except making jordan talk to me. when i got home, i texted him but he wouldnt text me back. so i just went to sleep. i woke up about 1130 on the 10th and my dad was still sleeping. i was worried because that wasnt normal. my mom checked him to make sure he was still breathing which he was so i went and got on to the computer. well vicky, the volunteer who came ever week to sit and talk to my dad came over but since he was sleeping she was talking to my mom. my mom began to get worried which made me worry. i got up and i took a cigarett from my dad and went out on the pourch but when i was walking past my dad, my mom said, 'look allison he is spitting up from the mouth.' i responded, 'thats gross.' i then smiled then walked out on the pourch. when i got back in i went and sat down on the computer again. around 2 my mom went to check him to make sure he was still breathing and right has she felt him, she felt his last heart beat. she started crying imediatly, looked at vivky then said, 'allison he is gone.' i jumped up and ran into the living room. streams and streams of tears ran down my face. all i could say was, 'no daddy not yet.' a few weeks earlier me and my dad were sitting on the pourch smoking and talking. he said to me, 'i love you allison but you need to be ready to let me go so i can go be with grandma, berkaly and grandpa.' i told him that i would be ok but i knew i wouldnt. i didnt want to let him go. i still dont. anyways, i ran to the back pourch and called amanda. she knew something was wrong when she answered. i said to her, with tears still streaming down my face, 'amanda dads got. hes really gone.' she was three blocks away from my house. i was 15 at the time and i didnt know what to do. i texted kayla,'kayla hes gone'. she knew exactly what i meant. jordan and her rushed over in minutes. i didnt know what to do. i was crying so bad. ever since july to of 2007 ive thought about my father every single day. i havent forgave myself for not staying home the day before.
another stressing thing is that my beautiful daughters have been sick. which always means crying is involved. some days i feel as if im going to die to beat of the crying but i just take it one moment at a time. being a single mother of two have been difficult. i can only do so much for my girls. i take things calmly and when i need help i call someone to come help.
moneys been tight and its very stressful. we have money, plain and simple. i have just felt really bad about our money. i feel like my mom spends her hard owned money that she worked for on the girls because i dont have a job and havent been recieving child support. i am trying hard to not ask for anything except things i really need. we have a lot of bills since my mom just got a new car a year and a half ago. tthen i have been going to the dentist a lot. i try not to go to the doctors because i feel like, i will survive without the doctor. the only reason i even go is if it has something to do with the girls but it doesnt cost us anything because of medicaid. i havent been able to get a job because i have to wait till after the 21st so i cant help with things till then.
then there is always the baby daddy drama. its probably the biggest thing stressing me out right now. i try to make things right between me and jordan because he has been here for me for almost three years now. he was my first real love. i dont want to lose him as a friend. he listens when i need someone to talk to but sometimes i cant take it anymore. he doesnt understand where im coming from. when we fight i dont feel comfortable with him taking isabella. i feel like he will take her and never bring her back. i like the company of knowing she is sleeping in the same room with me. i cant sleep good at all when she isnt in there with me. there has been a lot of things said lately that pisses me off and stresses me out. saying that you are going to take one of MY babies pisses me off. i carried them for nine months and i support them every day. dont tell me that im a bad mother when im not. im going to give them the best in life and i put that on everything. they are going to grow up good and im not going to let them get caught up in bull shit. so no im not going to let you take my baby when you tell me when your going to take me to court to get custody of MY kid. fuck that. be mad at me because i dont care. i let people step all over me all of my life until i had kids. i dont put up with it. this whole thing is what causes me and jordan to fight and it puts stress on me. i love him to death and i mean that but when does it become to much? how do you get rid of someone that tells you that he thinks that you are the 'one' and tells you that things remind him of you and he doesnt know why. how do you get rid of him when he has protected your kid that wasnt even his for a year and a half. how do you just get rid of him. i cant. i love him and never want to lose him even if he is just a friend. but the stress is getting to be to much for me to handle anymore. i dont know what to do. i want to stop the fighting because the fighting isnt good on the babies and i know they can tell something is wrong.
i havent been able to sleep lately so i go to bed super late then end up waking up early because the kids wake up and want to play and eat. i am starting to wonder if its because of all the stress that is happening. i know that not getting enough sleep at night is tearing me apart and you can tell if you looked at me that i am tired. ugh.
on top of things, school is really stressful. im behind a year in credits and ive been working very hard to attempt to graduate on time. its just one big stress ball on top of another. i dont want to see myself not graduate without my class. too much stress.
bleh. if you read this all. amen.